Saturday, December 4, 2010
OK so i know it has been a while since i posted anything on here. So far 40 has been a bitch. to some degree. I keep wondering when this Divine providence will occur shining the true and spontaneously combustible light on the matter as to what in the hell i am going to be doing with myself for the rest of this life on this planet.
I was hoping our financial w0es w0uld turn around this year but with 2010 coming to a close it appears not. The silver satchel is going thru a tarnished phase. Ah squish squish. Maybe 2011 ?
Some sort of good news, i got a new hip, yes a new hip, on October 27th. I have been out on short term disability since. I have another month to be out but fear I may need to go back to work cuz we need the income.
On a side note I have been thinking about finally writing a book / collection of stories on these cast of characters my partner and i have created. I am not a writer but I am quite logical and creative and a lot of weird so we will have to see how that goes. I heard J.K Rowling was turned down several times before she got the Potter ball rolling. Hmmm.
Sometimes do you wish your life was seemingly as simple as the upper middle class hetro married couple with a Toyota Camry for her and a Ford F150 for him. A 9-5 job. 2 "perfect" kids with lots of sports and after school activities for them. Going to Church every Sunday and then cavorting with the other like minded people after church at the IHOP.
Why does being a gay 40 year old creative male have to be so damn complicated? Is this a curse or a gift? I think, no, i know I am just afraid to make that jump into the deep end of the pool. I know I can do some great things but I think I have suppressed the urge to do it because it will mean consequences along the way and I am fearful of what those consequences are. I had a taste of them when I was in college and i don't know about others but for me it means strict and unwavering devotion at no cost. Is that what i want?
I was hoping our financial w0es w0uld turn around this year but with 2010 coming to a close it appears not. The silver satchel is going thru a tarnished phase. Ah squish squish. Maybe 2011 ?
Some sort of good news, i got a new hip, yes a new hip, on October 27th. I have been out on short term disability since. I have another month to be out but fear I may need to go back to work cuz we need the income.
On a side note I have been thinking about finally writing a book / collection of stories on these cast of characters my partner and i have created. I am not a writer but I am quite logical and creative and a lot of weird so we will have to see how that goes. I heard J.K Rowling was turned down several times before she got the Potter ball rolling. Hmmm.
Sometimes do you wish your life was seemingly as simple as the upper middle class hetro married couple with a Toyota Camry for her and a Ford F150 for him. A 9-5 job. 2 "perfect" kids with lots of sports and after school activities for them. Going to Church every Sunday and then cavorting with the other like minded people after church at the IHOP.
Why does being a gay 40 year old creative male have to be so damn complicated? Is this a curse or a gift? I think, no, i know I am just afraid to make that jump into the deep end of the pool. I know I can do some great things but I think I have suppressed the urge to do it because it will mean consequences along the way and I am fearful of what those consequences are. I had a taste of them when I was in college and i don't know about others but for me it means strict and unwavering devotion at no cost. Is that what i want?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
So im turning 40
Dare I say it.... BUT .... i'm turning 40 this year. Ugh. In fact this month. At the beginning of the year I said to myself, Ward, you need to loose this weight you accired so skillfully over the past 10+ years. You need to quite smoking and you need to eat better.
You need to stop dilly dallying around and get to it. The garden is not in order. The house needs repairs here and there and OH... Where are you going? In college it all seemed so carefree.
classes by day, or sometimes, and parties and socializing at night. Trapsing around with that Silver Satchel in tow. Living that Dual life if you will.
You had PLENTY of time and it all will work out. PUFF. It's 20 odd years later and what's happening? Nuttin. Who am I? Where did i go? What am i doing?
I've always been amazed at the people that "have it all". Oh I know they really don't have it all cuz then us all shmucks wouldn't have what we have. But really. I guess what I am really looking for is peace of mind. I tried to find it in my late 20s. But then I was too busy freaking out I was going to turn 30 and when I did I discovered it wasn't so bad. I moved to Oklahoma City from Fargo, ND. (I was going crazy in Fargo and needed to get out and had an opertunity to move to OKC where my sister lived and i jumped on it. But that is a different story). I met my partner of 12.5 years now. We got a house and all seemed fine. Ahhhhhhhhhhh
BUT NOW.... I'm turning 40 and oh Lord. I've got some catching up to do.
So this is going to be my Tale from the Silver Satchel if you will. My tale of rebirth, rejuvination, rediscovery & re-opening that Silver Satchel and see where it takes me. Hang on. Hopefully it will not be TOO bumpy of a ride.
You need to stop dilly dallying around and get to it. The garden is not in order. The house needs repairs here and there and OH... Where are you going? In college it all seemed so carefree.
classes by day, or sometimes, and parties and socializing at night. Trapsing around with that Silver Satchel in tow. Living that Dual life if you will.
You had PLENTY of time and it all will work out. PUFF. It's 20 odd years later and what's happening? Nuttin. Who am I? Where did i go? What am i doing?
I've always been amazed at the people that "have it all". Oh I know they really don't have it all cuz then us all shmucks wouldn't have what we have. But really. I guess what I am really looking for is peace of mind. I tried to find it in my late 20s. But then I was too busy freaking out I was going to turn 30 and when I did I discovered it wasn't so bad. I moved to Oklahoma City from Fargo, ND. (I was going crazy in Fargo and needed to get out and had an opertunity to move to OKC where my sister lived and i jumped on it. But that is a different story). I met my partner of 12.5 years now. We got a house and all seemed fine. Ahhhhhhhhhhh
BUT NOW.... I'm turning 40 and oh Lord. I've got some catching up to do.
So this is going to be my Tale from the Silver Satchel if you will. My tale of rebirth, rejuvination, rediscovery & re-opening that Silver Satchel and see where it takes me. Hang on. Hopefully it will not be TOO bumpy of a ride.
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